When Growth Becomes a Subtle Form of Self-Abandonment
Take a moment to land here … softly. slowly. gently.
There’s a difference between expansion that feels like coming home, and expansion that feels like running away.
In my work as a psychotherapist, breathwork facilitator, and Reiki practitioner, I witness this distinction often—sometimes in my clients, and at times, in myself.
Not as a judgment, but as a pattern of the human nervous system: our movement toward growth can either arise from a place of grounded self-connection, or from a subtle (and often unconscious) attempt to outrun discomfort.
Both can look the same on the surface. Only one feels like home in the body.
The hidden layer beneath self-improvement
We live in a culture that deeply values self-improvement. We are encouraged to optimize, heal, upgrade, refine, and evolve.
And on one level, there is nothing inherently wrong with this. Growth, learning, and healing are meaningful parts of being human.
But in clinical work—and in somatic work especially—I’ve learned to pay attention to a quieter question underneath the striving:
What is this movement actually organized around?
Is it coming from self-respect and genuine desire for alignment and health?
Or is it being driven by a more subtle sense of inadequacy—an underlying belief that I am not yet enough as I am?
Often, it is a blend of both.
And that blend matters.
Because when self-improvement is rooted in self-acceptance, it tends to expand our capacity for aliveness.
But when it is rooted in shame, it can become a very sophisticated form of self-abandonment.
My own lived experience of seeking
I want to speak to this not only as a practitioner, but as someone who has also lived inside this pattern.
For years, I found myself moving from one form of “becoming” to another. One credential, one certification, one new discipline, one new physical practice.
Each one carried an unspoken hope: this will be the thing that finally settles me.
On the surface, it looked like commitment, discipline, and growth.
And in many ways, it was those things.
And yet, underneath, there was also something quieter and more tender—a persistent sense of not yet being okay.
A belief that if I could just become the right version of myself, I would finally feel safe inside my own experience.
What I didn’t yet understand was that no amount of external attainment can resolve a nervous system organized around self-doubt.
At best, it can temporarily soothe it. At worst, it can reinforce the belief that wholeness is always just ahead.
What I see in clients
This same pattern shows up repeatedly in my work with clients—across psychotherapy, breathwork, and energy healing.
It often appears in very responsible, very self-aware people. People who are deeply committed to their healing. People who are actively doing “the work.”
And yet, there can still be an undercurrent of:
“If I just fix this part of myself, then I’ll finally feel okay.”
“Once I heal enough, I’ll be worthy of rest, love, or ease.”
“There is still something wrong that I need to resolve.”
This can show up in relationships, body image, career striving, spiritual practice, or even in the healing process itself.
The paradox is that the very practices meant to support healing can sometimes become part of the strategy to avoid the present moment of not feeling okay.
Not because the practices are wrong—but because the internal orientation is still rooted in lack rather than presence.
The difference the body knows
One of the most important distinctions I’ve learned to track is not cognitive—it is somatic.
The body always tells the truth of where we are moving from.
When expansion comes from self-escape, there is often a subtle contraction underneath it. A tightening. A sense of urgency. A feeling of “not enough yet.”
When expansion comes from self-connection, there is more space. Even if there is fear, there is also a sense of presence alongside it. A feeling of staying with oneself while moving forward.
This is not about getting it “right.” It is about developing the capacity to notice.
No amount of self-improvement can replace self-acceptance
At the heart of this work is a simple but often confronting truth:
No amount of self-improvement can compensate for a lack of self-acceptance.
Because when we are not meeting ourselves with basic acceptance, improvement becomes endless. There is always one more thing to fix before we can arrive.
Self-acceptance does not mean resignation or stagnation.
It means that change is no longer conditional upon worthiness.
We are no longer trying to become acceptable in order to begin living.
We begin from the place where we already are.
A different place to grow from
There is another way to relate to growth.
Not from the part of us that feels behind, broken, or in need of repair.
But from the part that can sense: I am already here.
From this place, growth is not an attempt to earn worthiness.
It becomes an expression of aliveness.
A natural movement of life through us—less forced, less urgent, more honest.
And the body knows the difference. Through contraction. Through ease. Through the subtle intelligence of yes and no.
A gentle inquiry
If this resonates, you might explore a softer question beneath your own patterns of striving:
What part of me is reaching for this change?
And what is it hoping to finally feel?
Is it safety?
Belonging?
Enoughness?
Rest?
There is no right answer here. Only information.
Closing
You don’t have to leave yourself to grow.
You can grow as yourself—listening, staying, and returning.
Again and again.
Right here.
Hi, I’m Chelsea Saunders,
a somatic psychotherapist, Reiki master, and breathwork facilitator based in Los Angeles. I help clients resource their nervous systems, and reconnect with their bodies, desires, and relationships through embodied practices like therapy, Reiki, breathwork, and sound.
If this story landed for you, the next step is simple. You can explore my services and schedule a complimentary clarity call to see if we’re a fit — online or in person.
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